So i never go on this anymore...
I do have a tumblr though =D
jonjondirector.tumblr.com is what i think it is. I really need to go through this sometime though and look at all these memories.
actually, i think i am going to log in now and read them
then probably delete the blogger chapter in my life.

It's been almost a year since i've had this...

...and I barely write in it anymore at all.

Not too many things are different.

More freedoms, well... slightly more freedoms.

i just felt like i spilled too much info on this

sometimes i can let my heart flow like a river for all to see,

but then once i realize my feelings are exposed, i freak out and try to like build a dam over the river.

Maybe from now on... i'll just let a little stream or brook of my emotions seep through this dam that i have made.

We will see about it ;)

Three things i've always wanted...

I've finally got...

And sadly, I want more.

I'm getting so addicted.

It's not drugs or anything, dont worry.

It's body modification.

In a three course period,

i have pierced my ears, my septum, and got a tattoo.

and it feels so great.

:)

So yesterday basically was my 18th birthday...

and it was pretty good.

It feels so good to be 18,

seriously.

My mom is like "nothing is different"

but i feel different...

it's good.

:)

This is the last day of school.

I feel like I did really bad on my history final... and i'm pretty worried about it.

I'm so excited for tomorrow though, it is my birthday!

I also miss my cellphone...

It's dead...

Like... not coming back dead...

Kinda.

I'm getting a new one hopefully today.

And maybe even going swimming!

...

I'm so bored right now.

=/

If you were my true friend, you would see the excitement when I tell you the news,

and you would be happy for me.

One friend did that so far.

I know he probably doesn't approve of it at all,

but he's happy that i'm happy.

that's all i'm asking for.

Light in this tunnel?

I'm pretty sure there is some light there.

My week seems so busy...

Monday: Psychology Final, classes, Math test, Scene Night

Tuesday: Nothing, but have to do a 4 paged essay for as an english final (Which i am seriously dreading, i JUST turned in a 4 paged paper last week...) Possibly baking stuff for a bakesale?

Wednesday: Bakesale, History Final, Last english class, Math Final Exam, the done with school

Thursday: BIRTHDAY. Have to go the bank, possibly some other stuff

Friday: Might be doing something pretty amazing :D

Saturday: Getting my lisence, Possibly doing something pretty amazing again, and babysitting.

New York City in 16 days! (from today)

Auditions for Bye Bye Birdie in 8 days (closer than i thought... o.o)

Yeah, so things are getting kind of busy for me,

which i am glad because I am so tired of a slow paced life.

Hopefully things slow down a tiny bit Sunday, because this week is going to be pretty packed.

Well, i'm going to go study for my psychology exam...

see ya :)

Interpreting Dreams

It's always so interesting to me...

I had a really scary one.

So realistic that I thought i was going to be in so much trouble.

I'm just going to interpret the things that i remember the most in the dream.

Well, actually, the first dream i got a job working at like this little pretzel stand place, but it was more of like you could sit down and eat at the pretzel stand.

To dream that you are looking for a job, suggests that you are feeling unfulfilled and frustrated in your current phase of your life.

That makes perfect sense to me, i'm VERY frustrated in the current phase of my life.

Here is the next dream...

Basically, I was in my old house,

I got really drunk,

crashed into my best friend's car

blacked out,

got in a whole bunch of trouble.

To dream that you are in a car crash, indicates that your beliefs, lifestyle, or goals are clashing with another's. It may also represent a shocking situation or painful experience.

To dream that you are drunk, suggests that you are acting careless and insensible. You are losing control of your life and losing a grip on reality. Perhaps you are trying to escape from a waking situation.

To dream that there is a blackout, indicates your lack of insight and perspective on a situation. You may be feeling frustrated or experiencing failure in some work that you are attempting.

After reading that... It kind of makes sense...

Actually, a lot of sense.

I feel like me and my friend's lifestyle's are starting to crash... 

I don't blame him at all, he hangs out with his girlfriend a lot,

but i was expecting us to hangout more I guess.

To dream that i'm drunk, i'm DEFINITELY NOT ACTING CARELESS OR INSENSIBLE. 

I honestly feel like i'm losing control of my life.

There is so much going on, and I can't control it, and it's really bothering me that I can't.

I don't have a control problem, but i can't control ANYTHING happening right now, and it's really getting to me.

The blackout, makes perfect sense. I blacked out after the accident in my dream. As I said above, i'm frustrated because I can't control anything going on, and i'm failing at it. So that is why there was a blackout.

That's all I really have to say I guess.

I'm not even safe in my dreams anymore.

I feel like i'm holding back,

I really want to write on here more, 

but everytime i write what i want to say,

i just X out of it or erase it...

4am Almost...

Still a lot of stress going on, but just saying that I am still alive and fighting to relieve it. I can't sleep. Not even sure why, my mind is so tired but my body is still awake.

I'm feeling pretty lonely. A lot lately. We will need to talk about this, when i am actually on the internet to blog, and not just my phone.

Worrying too much...

That's what i am doing right now. Worrying WAYYYYY too much. I need to update this when i get home.

200th post.

I should have a lot more posts than that. 

I really wish I wrote in this thing more.

If you don't live around me,

the weather in New Jersey has been cold and wet for almost a week. The week before though, we had 90 degree temperatures, and it felt like spring was definitely here. Now it's a lot colder, in the 50s and 60s, and I seriously can't take it. I don't know what it is about cold weather, but it really depresses me. I was so happy that the warmth was coming, dancing around my house, taking pictures outside with the blue sky as my background... and now there is only gray. I have to wear a hoodie to keep warm in MAY. MAY! Usually in May it's so hot and humid outside. Not this year. My birthday is in 9 days from today. I'm really nervous about it. 

If you remember those posts from forever ago... Remember how I was excited to turn 18? The excited is gone. No, the excitement is DEAD. It really can't come back either.

I'm stressing out over so many things. Right now, mainly school. I have so many papers that are due tomorrow and next week that I seriously c an't take it. I'm going nuts!

Then there is prom and girlfriend troubles.

Can't talk about that much on here even though i'd like to.

What else is there?

What's going on for this summer? 

Not sure.

Probably Bye Bye Birdie, but i'm starting to have my doubts on things other than that.

I honestly can't feel like I have anything to look forward to.

I'm going to New York MAy 27th, ...but I even have my doubts about that.

My optimism is gone.

It's not dead though,

i'm sure it can come back.

Also,

how do I get rid of this emptiness feeling inside of me?

Gah, sorry for the F bomb.

I was pretty upset...

turns out that my english essay isn't due till wednesday, so i can calm down a little bit.

i need to stop being so hard on myself.

So right now i'm pretty worried...

Even though they are midterm grades from almost half of the semester ago... The grades were horrible... I'm seriously scared for my grades. My dad is going to kill me. 

Grades fucking suck.

I'm serious. 

It's all people worry about,

and it's all that my dad fucking cares about.

If I have good grades, things will be alright.

But i'm not that smart,

and I don't push myself that hard enough.

Grades seriously mean EVERYTHING to EVERYONE...

and it's horrible...

I'm horrible.

...

Stuck in America.

Stuck in America by Sugarcult is the song I am currently listening to. 

Which is nothing relevant to what I am going to talk about ...i think.

So I had the talk again about me turning 18 with my dad. 

He confuses the HELL out of me!

One minute I get this idea that Summer is going to be super amazing,

and then the next minute, i feel like my personal hell is going to continue until I die.

This talk was one of the talks where it felt like hell was going to continue.

I'll just leave it at that I guess.

There is SO MUCH i could type right now about this summer,

but I don't want to offend people.

I really wish i could say it.

I don't even know what to do.

Yeah,

do you know what to do?

READING? Are YOU KIDDING ME?

Yes, that is what I have been doing. 

I have been reading.

Pretty amazing actually.

I finished Twilight last week, and i'm on the last chapter of New Moon (which i will probably finish within the hour). I recently have decided to start saving money again, since I am low on cash, and I have some events coming up. I have the New York trip which i CANNOT wait for! It's seriously going to be amazing. 26 more days till that! Or maybe even 25, I don't even know! I'll say twenty five for now. TWLOHA just released some new clothing to their line, and I really love that organization... I think once I get some money in my hands, i'll buy their new shirt, and even try to buy the book. It's $22 dollars though... A little much... But I bet it's pretty amazing.

I really have been wanting to make a video, but I haven't gotten the chance to, so I think i might do that soon. 

Gah, i'm just babbling.

I'll seriously try to update more.

=(

I really wish i had my voice back....

So even though there is nothing I can do about...

but I really can't stand it.

Right now, I am at intermission for Beauty and the Beast... and sadly... I have only sang my parts... My voice is so thrashed, and it happens to be the night where everything is going well, except for fucking me. IT'S HORRIBLE AND SO UNFAIR. 3 of my BEST friends are here tonight, and i can't even sing for them.

People have been coming up to me that know me (during other shows) and said that they could really hear me, I even have a microphone for Christ's sake so I can be heard... It really frustrates me. It makes me so mad.

I'm just ranting on, but i'm so mad...

This always happens to me...

It's so ironic,

and i'm having fun dancing on stage, but i love singing too.

I feel like I am really disappointing my friends...

and i'm extremely disappointing myself.

Sorry you have to read this pityness...

Right Now,

Right now I am sitting down in a dressing room during a rehearsal. 

I don't even know what to say.

This is the second show, and my voice is pretty messed up. We just sang Belle, and i'm a little panicky because my throat started to feel very scratchy. 

I'm really worried about stuff...

a lot of stuff...

just mainly school stuff...

=/

I don't even know what to say.

I wish someone could like... I don't know.

Be with me and make me happy no matter what.

And like, no matter i'll just forget the world.

That thing doesn't exist though.

Maybe it does, but i don't know.

Something is Stirring.

So I am noticing something. I want to talk about it on here, but it seems that I really can't do that... which sucks, i'd really like to get it out.

I'm right now in math class... I dont understand any of it.
But besides that, i really wish i could talk about what i want to talk about. I think i am going to txt someone about it...

Rehearsals Again

Right now I am at rehearsals typing this.

I'm really busy, that's why I haven't updated. 

I have a bout 3 weeks of school left,

which is pretty bad because I really need to pull my grades up...

Beauty and the Beast opens up in 3 days,

it's quite nerve-racking,

but still exciting.

I think we are pretty much ready.

Well...

Got to go.

Books.

For so long, i would make fun of people reading books.

Well, not really making fun of them or think less of them, but just pick on them. I'd say things like "Why don't you just watch the movie?" or things like that. But now I am looking at things differently. My girlfriend brought me Twilight from her house. I know you're probably thinking OH MY GOD NOT TWILIGHT AGAIN PEOPLE NEED TO SHUT UP ABOUT THAT. I really don't care. I've seen the movie twice, and i've been dying to know what happens ever since. I started reading the first book, and it was definitely a smart thing to do. There is so much in the movie that is worth reading and it's so amazing. This weekend I read Seven Chapters. I NEVER read, so it's pretty weird to be doing that. I think that Twilight has inspired to go read books of movies that I have seen already. I definitely think that after I read the Twilight series, i'm going to try to jump into the Lord of the Rings books. I already read the Hobbit, so now i'll just have to start with the Fellowship of the Ring. I'm pretty sure that the book will be filled with so much more than the movie, even though the movie was so amazing and epic. I really want to read more of Twilight, but my eyes are so dry. My mind is really tired, but my body is up. 

Tomorrow I am going to Deptford with a lot of my friends to go get some stuff for Beauty and the Beast. We need to find a book and buy some supplies. We also are probably going out to eat. My brother says that he is going to see if we can all go to Olive Garden. That would be pretty awesome if we could, since I have never gotten to eat there before. I only got to have desert there once. I'm also glad about going to Deptford because of the mall! I haven't been to a hot topic in seriously, about a year. The hot topic at our mall closed a year ago, and i've been sad ever since. So i think that I might pickup a band tshirt or even a To Write Love on Her Arms tshirt if they still have them there. I'm really excited for the trip. Not to be negative, but usually when i'm excited for something.... it doesn't work out the way I planned, which can suck. I'm just really expecting tomorrow to be a fun day, and hopefully even if there is some minimal changes, i really hope that it goes well.

Changing subjects again,

I can't wait for the weather to be warm. Ever since January or so, we go through the phases for one week it's nice and warm, and then the next, it's FREEZING. Right now I am laying in my bed shivering. 

I played Rockband 2 for 6 hours today..

Gah, i'm getting tired and just blabbing now.

I need to leave in 7 hours,

so I probably have to be up in 6.

Lol, why do i do this to myself? FML

Anyways...

Sleepytime now.

I miss doing big blog updates like this. 

Okay, now i am really leaving,

bye.

I'll talk about this more later ;)

Right now i am killing time during beauty and the beast. We were told to go into the dressing rooms and be quiet, so that is what i am doing right now. Advisement day (well, talking the advisor) didnt go to well...

I'll talk more about it later hopefully. I really need to start doing my work and studying...

Advisement.

This morning in about 40 minutes, i have a meeting with my advisor. I hope it all goes well with him and that I can get everything done. I am really nervous about my classes. I am probably going to have to drop math, but I think my dad has already accepted it... I'm going to talk to my math teacher about my grade first, but i'm most likely dropping it. I guess i'll have to take a winter course or summer course to get my credits up more.  

I think my dad doesn't think I care...

But i do care...

I guess i just don't show it.

I feel bad.

Well, i'm going to go get ready some more and then leave to talk to my advisor... I'm really praying it all works out well. After the meeting, I am probably coming back home.

Deep Trouble Ahead.

I have fooled around too much in college... I am really worried about my grades now... Too late to worry i guess. I really hope i can make next semester better ans be able to scratch through this semster..... I really hope i dont get grounded.

I'm not sure if people read this still.

If you do, thanks a lot :)

Lastnight was a lot of fun. I had some friends come over and we had a good time. Well, they might be labeled as my brother's friends, but I call them mine too =)

I think it's gotten hot enough (well, warm enough) outside to start my annual fan never shutting off in my room haha. We were all playing rockband2 lastnight and it started to get REALLY HOT in my room, so we turned on the fan. Ever since, I haven't turned it off. And i think this starts of it never going off until winter again. 

I'm just blabbing.

I'm getting ready to go to the mall with my brother.

It's funny,

everytime i go out with him,

i always have 1 bar on my cellphone's battery.

I dream big.

My friend pointed that out to me. Some people don't dream big... I just realized that too. 

Haha, i am so emotional now,

i am like crying out of happiness.

and i'm not even happy

wtf

i need help haha

Designer Skyline in my Head

Designer Skyline by Owl City is stuck in my head.

Friday has been going pretty good :)

Red Bench.

Right now I am laying on a red bench at college. I feel kind of weird doing it because everyone else is just sitting on them, but it's padded and feels like a bed to me. I've been so busy with rehearsals, that's why I really haven't gotten a chance to sit down and talk about things. Depression is kind of getting back to me again. I'll have to trace back and see how it started again, but it's been going at it again for almost a month. My grades are slipping, I think that is the main thing. The first semester of college (fall) seemed SO EASY... Now this semester is so hard. I'm doing bad in Math, English, and probably Psychology too. That means i'm only doing good in two classes, Western Civ and Writing for TV/Radio. 

Gah, i'm going to go now.

Class in 23 minutes. <3

The Mixed Tape.

This is morning,
It's when i've spent the most time,
thinkin 'bout what i've given up.

=/

I will not waste another summer, I don't want to waste this life anymore. If it doesnt change, i'll take it.

I am not dead...

Just saying. I'll try to blog this weekend or something, there is some stuff going on that I can try to see if I can vent about.

Blahhhhhh I Need Excitement

I feel like there isn't anything exciting in my life anymore. Things seem so routine now for me. I really need to break free.

Videoblogging Sounds Cool

My brother's girlfriend Tori got into video blogging, and I find it so amazing. I want to do it, but I don't have a good enough camera.  I do have a my video camera and my webcam camera, but she has a Macbook, and it is extremely amazing. I wish I had one. I asked my dad if I could give this laptop I am on now to my mom and then get a Macbook, but he said no since there is no places anywhere around here that can fix Macs. We have like no Mac stores at all either. There is 2, each an hour away.

I am so very tired. I am watching From G's To Gents right now. They act like kids. People scare me... Really... They do... This generation is horrible... 

Some time on my hands

Right now I am on spring break for college, and it feels so nice to be on it. I just wish that the weather was nicer. 

It makes me sad that like NONE of my friends blog anymore. I don't even blog that much anymore. 

Even though this break is nice, I have a four paged paper due in a week and a one paged paper due also in a week. I hate my english class so much. Usually English is such a fun class that I look forward to, but not this one. It's more of a literature class, and it's horrible. I think that might be the class that I am failing in, and I really need to pull it together. I have no idea how I am going to scratch out a four paged paper, but i'm going to have to this weekend or sometime this week.

I have rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast today. We are suppose to have all of the song lyrics memorized. I pretty much do so I think i am good.

I also can't wait for Jersey Fest. Hopefully I can go to that. There is a lot of good local bands that are going to be there.

And...

58 Days till my birthday :)

Heed the Warning and Bullets & Belvedere

THEY ARE AMAZING.

Here is some videos I took of them.

B&B:

Heed the Warning:

The last video got cut off because of an altercation in the pit, but both were still pretty amazing.

Tell me what you think of them :)

I hate the Voyager.

Things are going sweet, but also so bitter at the same time. I am on my phone right now writing this. THE VOYAGER IS A HORRIBLE PHONE, NEVER GET IT, IT BREAKS ABOUT EVERY SIX MONTHS!!! It is completely rediculous! First it starts to move up and down, and NOW, front screen touch-screen wont work. When i open and close it sometimes the inside screen wont work. It's going to cost 50 bucks to fix it probably out of my pocket...I am so mad and can't even sleep...

Another nice day outside

I just took a shower and now I am sitting in the sun (well, now there are clouds passing by....) and letting it dry my hair. I am sitting on my deck. I was attempting to do some Western Civ questions on Ancient Greece, but I am too distracted with facebook and talking to my parents. My brother is going to the store soon, so I am going to go with him since I have nothing to do.

Bye!

70 Degrees

It's so nice out, right now sitting on my deck with my mom and dad talking to them. My dad always talks to me about plans. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they are bad. Nicole is in Florida right now, and I really wish I was there.

Gah, I am so distracted from them talking to me. FML, lol

Snow days

Well, we did end up getting snow. It snowed SO MUCH, and there is still a lot on the ground. I am still really nervous about doing my presentation tomorrow, but it will be a lot better once it's just freakin over with. This morning I was sick, which I really don't want to talk about, but i am SO GLAD it's all over. This is just a little update by the way. Nothing really has been going on or new. 

71 days till my birthday.

70 days till I go to New York.

I feel like things are slightly going routine, but it's not a bad routine. I've actually accepted this one. I use to feel scared when my life was going routine and everything was the same. I realized when everything was different, my life seemed chaotic. I love different things, but right now, It feels okay for this routine. 

That's all for now.

I'm blogging less, been busy I guess

Friday i went to Christina's house and watched movies with people. Saturday night I hungout with some friends that I usually don't get to hangout with.

Umm..

Local show in two weeks!

A little bit has been on my mind, but not too much I guess.

I am really nervous about giving my presentation in history tomorrow. 

I kind of know why too, but i'd rather not say it or talk about it.

We are suppose to get a lot of snow, and as much I want it to happen, it does not seem like it is going to. It's 34 degrees, and raining.

I'll blog more later if something is on my mind.

<3

It's about time stress finally started to eat away at me...

My dad pressures me too much.

I have to get straight A's, or it's not good enough.

I bombed 3 tests today.

Psychology, Western Civ, and Math 094.

I still dont understand Math, and i've had two different people explain it to me.

I went home and hugged my had tonight and said "Give me a hug!" and he said "Why, did you get an A?"

His pressuring makes me do worse. 

If i don't get straight A's, my whole summer is cancelled.

I'll no lie think about claiming my life if that happens.

I'm waiting for summer....

76 days till i'm 18...

75 days till I go to New York...

I am stressed with school

Random Update?

So right now, even though i have no service on my phone, I am going to attempt to do a blog for the sake of killing my battery. I got home from Tori's probably 30 minutes ago, and i am so dead tired. Right now I am laying in my bed probably almost (if not past) 2am. So disregard whatever time this was posted, because by the looks of it, i'm going to have to make this post in the morning. In the morning i have to go print out some stuff for my western civ class and i also have alot of quizes. I am really tired, so I guess this is all that I am going to say for now.

So today...

It was alright I guess.

It started off good. Then stayed good. Then went bad. Then got Good again. And then went bad again. But i'm trying to stay positive, and it was mainly good. I guess i'll just have to forget about the bad things and work on them. 

I am doing bad in math.

Every other course seems fine though.

I have a lot of studying to do tomorrow and some work to do.

I'll probably procrastinate until that night, which isn't good. 

I am really going to try to get it done.

Quick update!!

Apparently Holly City Family Center isn't "fucked". They are doing a show there again March 14th, and Fire in the Eyes of the City, Divide the Sky, and Bullets and Belvedere are going to play!

I'm pumped and can't wait! 3 weeks! And 79 days till my birthday!

School and beauty and the beast practice today.

I got to go change and get ready to go.

Bye :)

This weekend...

Wow... Really really good. Friday Nicole and her friend Christina came over to play wii at my house. We had a lot of fun. Saturday was my first local show, which was pretty AMAZING. The only thing that sucked was that the last two bands didn't get to play, and I really wanted to see Fire in the Eyes of the City. They started playing, and then the people who worked at Holly City Family Center made them stop playing. I was so angry. Everyone started chanting "LET THEM PLAY, LET THEM PLAY, LET THEM PLAY." because they had a good 20 minutes to do songs before we had to leave, and the place wanted the place EMPTY by 10:30, not finishing at 10:30. So everyone was screaming how the venue was "fucked" and to never come here again. So I guess I saw the last local show at Holly City Family Center? Kinda sucks, but oh well. Hopefully I can start going to more local shows, they are so much fun. I really want to go to hangar 84, but my dad is uneasy about it, so the first time I go, i'll have to bring my brother. I might even go next weekend, i'm not sure, because Fire in the Eyes of the City is playing there, and I really wanted to see them. I'll have to ask my brother if he is up to it and also see who else is playing. 

After the show I went to Ryan's house and hungout with him, Scott, and Dylan. Did i mention Dylan went to the show with me yesterday? We are definitely going to go to more and more shows. I don't even know why I didn't go to a local show before this... They are pretty fun. 

There is a lot I could say about describing, but i am just going to stop now. I am watching my niece and she wants me to put something up for her. So I am going to go do that. I have homework to do tonight, and some chores, which sucks. Oh well though, that's college...

Busy

I've been pretty busy lately with school and Beauty and the Beast. Yesterday I got to hangout with Josh, Christina, and Nicole before I went to rehearsals. It was good, I never get to hangout with Josh. His dad gave me like a whole bunch of posters that I am going to hang up in the room, that's one of the best gifts ever, no lie.

Hmm... what else to talk about?

Tomorrow is my first local show. I'm seriously soooooo pumped for that. It's going to be really good. I really can't wait to see Fire in the Eyes of the City. They are probably my favorite band out of all the bands going to be there. Hopefully Kim can go to the show too, I never get to hangout with her. Dylan and me are probably going together, so he might hangout beforehand with me, I dont know. Wow, i'm using a lot of comma splices, oh well. 

I am starting to play Drums on Hard for Guitar Hero World Tour and Rockband 2. I'm proud of myself :) Now to work on expert and the nightmare songs :) Although, I did do one nightmare song on hard for drums. It was Give It All by Rise Against. I got all into it, I felt like a rockstar, thank God nobody else was in the room...

I am going to go now I guess.

I'll update later if I think of more things to say.

Long Weekend

Sorry I didn't get to update this all weekend. Things are finally settling down, and i'm sitting here typing this. I hungout the whole weekend with Nicole pretty much. There was no school today, so I just relaxed at home. There is a lot I could say about this weekend, but I kind of don't feel like talking about it. Not bad things, just things I don't feel like talking about. 

I drove by the new walmart. It is so freaking huge. A super walmart opened about 10 minutes from my house. I haven't gotten a chance to go in it yet.

I'm really dreading school tomorrow. I just have night class and then rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast, but I just feel so tired. I miss summer and winterbreak. 

Enough complaining I guess, i'll probably update tomorrow :)

Music

So tonight all I have been doing is listening to music and watching youtube videos of concerts. I wish I went to more concerts. There are so many going on around me, but my dad would never let me go, that's why I never ask. Monday I missed Drop Dead, Gorgeous playing 10 minutes away from my house. I was so freaking sad that I missed that show. They are one of my favorite bands. If I had the choice to see one band live, it would be that band. Oh well I guess, it's all done now. I'm hopefully going to a local show on the 21st, it will sadly be my first local show, but oh well. I am also hopefully going to Hangar 84 at the end of the month. If not, hopefully i'll go a lot this summer and after i'm 18. I really dont think my father is going to let me be 100% free, but hopefully he lets my leash go a little looser than before. I'm really trying to save up money for this summer so I won't have to work for him or beg for money to do things. I bet right now, I could spend ALL of my money (that I have now at least) on the first week of my summer. My dad offered me to do work for him over the summer, which would be yardwork and things like that, and I told him that i'd get back to him on that. I REALLY REALLY don't want to work for my father. His works lasts days, and long hours, and usually leaves me with a bad attitude. I have no idea how things are going to work. 89 days till my birthday... I believe 68 days till Beauty and the Beast?

That's all i have to say for now,

long weekend,

i hope everything goes according to plans

Stage

It feels so good to be on stage again...

I've been sick lately, but it feels so good to be back on stage.

Crash my car through your window.

I can't wait to get my lip pierced, lolz. 

I took my countdown off of my myspace. I checked that clock too much, and it made time go by slower. Now I lost track of how many days till i'm 18. All i know is that I can't wait. 

Even though I was sick today, I feel that it went really well. Beauty and the Beast rehearsals was so much fun, and I know that it is going to continue to be fun. I made a new friend :D

Anyways, I guess that is all for now.

I am listening to Brand New.

DONT APOLOGIZE, I HOPE YOU CHOKE AND DIE.

omgggg such good lyrics.

It still haunts me at times.

It was a dream

Why did it seem, like it was so real?

What did I feel that that made it so real?

It wasn't a dream.

It was all right in front of me. 

Did I misread signs?

Do I read between the wrong lines?

I dont think this will ever go away.

______________________________________

Don't ever bring that up, it's something that I felt like getting out.

Don't ask about it either, i'm not telling you.

Laying on the deck

So right now I am laying on my deck. My sister is laying on one of those big lawn chairs that is almost like a bed. My mom is sitting on a chair and playing with my niece. My dad is talking and attempting to move things and do work, just like he always does. My brother is walking around as if he is almost pacing. I’m listening to songs and thinking about summer. Right now it almost feels like summer. It’s only 54 degrees, but that is so warm compared to the 1 degree temperature we had last week in the nights. I really can’t wait for it to be summer. Even though I’m laying out here on the deck writing this and procrastinating this homework, I feel pretty damn good right now. Well, my dad kind of just now ruined it by saying “turn off your music and let’s listen to the sound of the wind” It’s not even my music, I was playing stuff I figured that they would like. It was Crazy by Aerosmith. (If I even spelled that right…)

 

            I can’t wait to go to Ocean City and Wildwood this summer. It’s strange though. Even though I have SO many friends, I really don’t feel like I get to hangout with them enough. I mainly only hangout with Scott and Nicole. I want to go with Nicole places and bring friends or meetup with friends, but we have no mutual friends. Then I started to think about all of my friends, and I feel like I really have barely an mutual friends. I have a lot of friends who are “cool” with eachother, but I don’t know if it’s cool enough to go chill at Wildwood or the beach for the day. I really hope I get a camera for my birthday. I never have any good pictures, they are always with my cellphone. Haha, I don’t even know why I brought that up. I guess it has to do with summer. I’m going to post this blog and then take my laptop upstairs to get started on some homework. We have oral reports due for history tomorrow, but he said that we are only going to do 4 people a day, and he is going to start from the top of the class list. (like reverse alphabetical order Z-A) But I am worried that maybe those people will absent, or he will decide to do more, and he’ll call my name, and I won’t have it done. We have to have a 10 minute oral presentation on any topic we chose from 1500BC to 1500 AD. I chose Cyrus the Great since I heard other people talking about it. I have no idea how to get up in class and talk for 10 minutes though. The material that I have on Cyrus the great right now could probably only cover 2 minutes. This is only my second semester in college, and I am not confident about a speech at all. I am completely dreading Western Civilization class for like 3 weeks. Speaking of classes, I think I have deemed my favorite to be English 102. It’s a pretty fun class, a lot of discussion. I feel really involved with the class, and we get into depth about things. Psychology is the stupidest class ever, and I hate how the teacher teaches it. He doesn’t write anything on the board, and I don’t know what is important and what isn’t. He talks and talks, but I can’t focus on him because it sounds like BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH  to me. Western Civ is a little bit better because he has powerpoints of what we should write down for tests and things. Math 94 is pretty stupid too. It’s hard to learn stuff because the guy is SOOO QUIET when he talks, so it is really hard to pay attention to him. I also have Writing for TV and Radio. I’m still not sure what to think about that class. It can be fun, but at the same time, the lady is too quiet when she talks, so it is hard to focus in that class also.

 

Wow, this is really long. I guess it’s easy to spill out what is on your mind.

Weirdest Dream

I had the weirdest dream lastnight.... I don't even know how to explain it. SO much stuff happened in it. I'm actually so glad to wake up and be me, and to everything to be "normal". I was almost kind of scared to wake up, because I was afraid that I would actually be living my dream. Everytime I would go back to sleep, the dream would just continue right where I left off. 

In other news, I believe that I am getting sick. It started friday night I think, I went to bed not feeling so good, and then as the day progressed Saturday, I still didn't feel up to par. 

Yesterday was pretty amazing. My dad bought a 54 inch plasma for the living room, so that means the 42 inch that WAS in my living room, is now in my bedroom :D. I'm so happy. He told me I can't play wii on the new TV, and the reason why he gave me the plasma is to play it upstairs and so nobody will fight over the TV downstairs anymore. I still need an HD comcast box, and to actually put comcast on my TV, but it will happen eventually probably. 

Meow

Scott is over right now, and we have hungout a lot lately.

That's pretty much all what i have to say...

lol

I'll probably write more sunday or something

Mobile Update... Since my internet is acting up...

Today kind of went faster than usual, which is good. I would say that today was actually a pretty good day for once. I didnt get the snow day i was wanting, but I still got my good time I guess. I met Scott for lunch at Taco Bell (which i would love to have another crunchwrap supreme right about now...) Then when I got home, I listened to music, myspace'd it up, things like that. Then Matt and Tori came home and we had dinner. Then after dinner we played Rockband2. Tori is a beast at the drums!!! She was doing songs on hard that i would have failed miserably on! The bass pedal always throws me off whenever i play. My phone is sooo slow at typing pic messages for some reason... Anyways, guess this is it for now. Sorry if there is any errors in typing this. I think i am ready for a new phone.

97 days till i'm 18!

Random Mobile Update???

I hope it snows all through the night so i dont have to go to school in the morning. I have so much trouble getting up in the morning. I guess that is it for now...

I feel like watching The Mist. It's a really good movie. =)

Black Rose Dying

That is the song i'm currently listening to by Bless the Fall. 

I am really hoping for a snow day tomorrow, but the snow is clearing up, so I am trying to prepare myself for being tired in the morning and disappointed. 

Lately I have been trying to think positive and look forward to turning 18. 98 days till I turn 18 by the way. I have it set in my head that it is going to be so good, and then someone told me how nothing is going to be different and stuff. It really pissed me off. I guess they are right, but it's the only thing I have to look forward to, that I am REALLY REALLY setting my eyes on, and for someone to crush it like that really sucks. I have no idea how things are going to turn out. But 98 days is too long for me. Too long. Can i make it?

Mobile Update.

I was going to update yesterday about how beautiful the weather was, and how my day went, but instead I did homework. I am trying to stay off the internet, it wastes my life. I'm sure i'll be on it by tomorrow, but I need to really restrict the time that I spend on it. It's not even all that fun anymore. I am so bored of it. There is seriously nothing new.

That's it for now, i'll update tonight or tomorrow

Warmth.

When is it going to get warmer? I really miss the warm sunshine on my skin as I drive down the road with my truck. The windows down, the stereo pumped to 22 with heavy bass and screaming music. The wind blowing through my long hair, with my big sunglasses blocking it from my eyes. I miss summer. I didn't do much this summer, but the warm weather outside is just amazing. I felt like I wasted too much of it inside. It's so strange here in New Jersey. The winter is too cold to go outside, but the summer is too hot to go outside. I hope I find a balance this summer where I can wake up early, but not too early, like 10pm. I guess I could go to bed at 2am? That would leave a good eight hours for sleep. 

Right now Iris by Goo Goo Dolls just came on. I remember listening to this song when I was really little living in Connecticut. I haven't been there in over eight years. All I remember is that it was really pretty in the fall. All the leaves on the mountain looks really awesome.

I guess that is it for now.

Friday Night

Friday was very fun. It started off kind of rocky, but it definitely got a lot better. Dylan came over and we played BRAWL. Haha, sounds lame, but it really wasn't. After we played that we hung out for a little, and then went to the talent show. Talent show... didn't have that much talent. I won't say much because it'd be rude to point out people over the internet. Ryan's band didn't place, which really sucked. After the talent show, Ryan, Alysha, and I went out to eat at Applebees. I'm surprised my dad actually let Ryan drive me and stuff. My dad is so super over-protective. When we were leaving Applebees, Ryan started singing a song, and Me and Alysha joined in at the same time and we all started laughing and stuff, it was so funny and epic. That was seriously, the highlight of my night. I live for random spontaneous moments, and I honestly haven't had one of those in a LONG time, and that was just what I needed. I miss hanging out with my friends. We wanted to hang out again tonight, but my dad said NO, because "I already went out lastnight" I was soooooooooooo angry. Oh well though. Alysha's play is next week, and hopefully my dad will let Ryan drive me to go see it. I love hanging out with them.

Anyways, I guess that is it for now. Today is my lazy day. I haven't left this couch at all. Tomorrow I need to read a history chapter and a short story for English. I hate getting up early for class. Yes, 8:30am is TOO EARLY for me to get up. It sucks. 

That is all for now :)

Thursday and Friday

Right now, I am listening to Fall From A Star by Kill Paradise, and I really have to pee.

Today I woke up with a horrible headache and basically did nothing. I just hungout and layed around. My brother and I played Rockband2 though, so I was glad. I miss him and I hanging out. School started, and we didn't hangout for like almost over a week. Tonight I also talked my dad into letting me go out tomorrow night. I just really need to clean my room in the morning. I always neglect to clean it, and it's VERY VERY dirty. The only thing I hope for tomorrow is that it works out how I am planning it in my head. What I have planned in my head is really fun, but I have definitely learned over the years not set my expectations so high. I'm going to watch everything with Dylan. I think I am also going to take my video camera with me, or some kind of camera. I really want to record stuff or take pictures. I'll probably update tomorrow afternoon if I get bored, or when I get home. 

4 Day Weekends

So right now I am up being bored, talking to anyone willing to listen and talk back I guess. I think I might actually wake up and do some homework. I use to always procrastinate, and I really need to stop that. I also need to contact my friends to see how much tickets are for the talent show. Hopefully my dad will let me go or something. I'm not even fully sure if I want to go or not. I'm not sure how i'm going to get there. I've kind of hinted at my friends that I would like a ride, but i never got an answer from them.

GAHH

times right now suck.

i hope they get better.

i am done with trying to talk to people.

they can talk to me if they want.

Blah @ Today

It's wet and snowy.

The college called and said that classes before 10am were cancelled. 

I had a class that goes from 930am to 11am. I'm worried that they still continued class or something... I hope I didn't miss anything.

That's the only thing bothering me right now besides the other things that are bothering me right now.

Random Things

This isn't just for you if you're reading it. (this kind of post)

It's for me to go back and kind of laugh at, see what's different, things like that. 

I always wash my body first, and then my hair in the shower.

I like putting on my clothes before I go to sleep so I can wake up in the morning and just go.

I could live at night time and sleep through the day for the rest of my life and be content about it.

I love to travel, but it's been so long since i've left New Jersey or Pennsylvania. 

So far I only like one class on my spring semester at college.

Right now it's snowing at least (or at least it was last time i checked)

I really hope there is no school tomorrow, that would be so epic.

I really want to start going to more shows.

Hopefully me going more places and traveling changes when i'm 18.

If you haven't read some of my previous posts, I really want a digital camera.

I love taking pictures of my friends, especially random ones.

I feel like I haven't really hung out with ALL of my friends since December 31st.

I want to hang out with them all the time but it seems like we never contact each other.

Fat Lip by Sum41 use to be my favorite song in 2006.

I think AT THIS MOMENT my favorite song is Spiderwebs by No Doubt.

I haven't played Rockband2 in over a week, and that makes me sad.

I think I should go blow dry my hair more right now.

I don't know why I am up right now, i'm going to be so tired in the morning.

I really want to make new friends, and I feel like ever since i went to college, I have failed in that.

I stopped playing guitar, and I dont know why. 

I really need to pick it back up again, it was fun.

I miss the warm weather.

I want to go to wildwood a lot this summer.

I'm bored.

The End :)

It's sad that these things still go on like this...

So, I was at the library attempting to read some history. I have to have the first chapter read by Monday, which isn't too bad; I'm halfway through. So this lady picked up her cellphone and started talking. She was trying to be quiet, but she obviously wasn't because I heard everything she was saying. It was so stupid. She was talking about pictures on a girl's myspace of a guy and a girl kissing, some guy txting her, something about some girl wanting to fight her. WOW is all I have to say. I thought this was college, and she's behind me arguing like some little girl in highschool. I'm really starting to get an idea of things NEVER going to change. Today I was bored so I e-mailed my mom a picture of me. The message said "he hehehehehe :)" and it was a picture of one of my earrings on my lip. And she frowned and got really pissed off and started yelling at me. Things are such big deals to people, when it really shouldn't be. I have a problem with making some things a big deal, I won't lie, I do.

I tried to txt some people, ask them if they wanted lunch. One person said she was sorry and that she had plans, which is cool, I totally forgot she had some plans. The other two, didn't even answer me back. I really feel unloved with my friends. Nobody offers to be in pictures with me, some offer to hangout, but since I have a hitler for a father, I never get to hangout. And they think I am lying and that I really don't want to hangout with them, OR that I will never be able to hangout at all. 

I feel so controlled.

I have class in 20 minutes. And my stomach hurts really badly from today.

I forgot my lunch money by the way. I was going to have a nice salad, but then i pulled out my wallet to find no money, so then I had to go and get some pretzels and a soda. 

One of the friends who didn't answer me just txted me and said that he was napping.

What about the other friend?

I feel so sick.

I wish I lived in Minnesota. That would be pretty cool.

I think that's where I want to go live or something when I am older.

Linkin Park Socialvibe

I had a street team order to post this for Linkin Park :)

Hi depression.

I've been waiting...

Well, today was my first day of Spring Semester.

First class was Psychology. It was alright, the teacher seemed nice, and the class was very interesting.

Second class was Western Civilization. Which seems pretty hard. We already have to read chapter one, and have a 5 minute oral report prepared to present to the class in two weeks. 

Third class was English. By that point, I was trying to soak everything in, and we were talking about prepositional phrases. I don't care how this dumb this sounds, I really don't know what they are. We were talking about a few different things at the time, and I just kind of got confused and drifted off. The teacher called upon me, and I said "I dont know the answer" and he said "Have you been paying attention at all?" and I replied "Not really, i'm sorry." and he said "Well, you should drop this class then. There is a waiting list of about seventeen people that would love to fill your seat." and that really discouraged me. I felt like shit for two hours afterwards.

Then I had lunch. Sat with the same people from last semester, and it was almost like we never left. Everything clicked. I started to kind of get that feeling where something wasn't it right or missing. Like that feeling where I don't belong. I tend to get that feeling a lot. I mean, i'm sure I was welcome and stuff, but it was just weird.

After that, I had Math. This is the first time I ever dosed off with my head in hand. If that makes sense... Like, my arm was holding my head up, and I kept drifting off. And then I finally got so sleepy that my head fell on the desk and knocked over my soda and everyone looked at me. I just picked it up and acted like nothing was wrong. It sucked. 

That's how my day went so far. I came home and my dad was yelling and bitching at me to do chores and take out the trash. I'm so tired. Tired mentally. Tired physically. And i'm also starting to get tired of this school routine... And it's just the first day. That's sad.

I won't be Seventeen forever.

And in a way, i'm excited.

I'm excited for what can happen.

Do you want to know how I imagine being 18 will be?

I'll be able to go wherever i want. (that is reasonable) I'm definitely sure if I said "Mom, Dad, i'm going to go to Texas to see my stickam friends!!" they would say no. But I want to be able to at least be like "Hey mom, dad, some friends and I wanted to go to Ocean City Thursday for the day, is that cool?" and them saying "Sure, if you have the money! have fun!" I want to come home with some ear piercings, have them roll their eyes, say they dont like it, but still accept it since i'm 18, an adult. I expect to come home and get my lip pierced, have them roll their eyes, but still accept it since i'm an adult. I dont think I want to get a tattoo. Piercings can be taken out at times, and taken out when i'm older. But not tattoos. I just wish my parents see that it's only temporary. 

I don't feel like typing anymore. There is so much I can say, but I dont know how to get it down in words. I'd have to like spill my heart out on this blog to explain it all.

I'm just really worried that i'm going to be 18, and nothing is going to be different. I use to be depressed with life, but since Christmas, ALL i've been looking forward to is being 18. Hell, I even have a countdown on my myspace that says 108 and 22 hours till i'm 18. It's what i'm looking forward to. That there will be change, and something will be different. 

This blog is taking me forever to write because I am watching Castaway. Scott put it on and then went to sleep. I watched pretty much the whole thing, and it's such a sad movie. Like it forreal made me sad. 

I think this post failed. 

It was going to huge talking about what I can't wait for when i'm 18.

Buttttt

I guess it's only going to say a little bit now.

Sorry.

Camera? Hopefully...

Right now, I am at Scott's house hanging out with Jeff.

I am trying to save up money for a camera. 

I might have enough for half of one, but I really really want a nice one. 

So I might ask my brother if he wants to split the cost for a nice one. 

The only thing is that we've have to share it.

And i don't know how well that would work. 

I mean, it'd be good for a while,

but THENNNN, I just know that it would come to a moment where we would both want to use the camera on the same night, and then we'd break into a big fight about who needs it more and stuff, so I might just spare the drama, unless we really really want a nice one. I'm about to go look on Walmart.com or something to see if there is any good cameras. I looked at Best Buy yesterday and saw one that kind of caught my eye. It was a Sony one, and it had touch screen. (the touch screen was the only downside, because it's hard to see the touchscreen in broad daylight)

Anywaysssssssssssssssss,

we're waiting for scott's parents to leave the living room so we can watch Step Brothers.

Tomorrow's Plan and Today

I slept most of the day away today. It was around 8am that I finally passed out. I woke up around noon, managed to stay up till about 4pm, and then took an hour nap. Before that all happened, something happened with Nicole and her friends... don't want to explain it on here.

Anyways,

tomorrow I am suppose to go sell my books at college. I really don't want to, but I have to.

That's all I really have to say tonight. I might sleep soon

Wow

So, it seems like everytime I say how happy my life is on here, something happens that makes the day after miserable. It was pretty bad, except that Nicole came over and brought me a poster that she bought me. It's a RockBand one. It's tre cool :).

I went to bed around 2am, and woke up at 3pm. It was pretty crazy. I just slept, and slept. I have been doing that a lot lately. Today i dealt with a lot of "stress" i guess you can call it, but hopefully tomorrow will be better. 

My dad talked to me about some things lastnight though.

He said...

He might not let me drive to South Dakota.

I'm going to buy my mom's car from her when I am 18 with my own money

No more truck after i'm 18 and buy it.

Which, I dont mind ANY of them except for the one about South Dakota...

I mean, i have money to pay for the car, and he wants it to be in my name, so that will be really good. But I really wanted to see my friends in South Dakota, and i'm sad that I don't get to... Maybe things will change and they will say yes, but for now, it doesn't look good.

I really hope things get better for me when i'm 18. 

Even though things seem like they will...

I highly doubt it will work out.

I'm trying to keep my head high, but I really doubt it.

Something tells me that I won't be going out as much as I plan, and that my dad won't let me get anything pierced, even though i'll be 18.

111 days till i'm 18.

It feels like so long,

and it will be long.

2008.

Let's linger on the past ONE MORE TIME.

So right now, I am listening to United State Of Pop 2008. So many memories are going through my head. Wow... Just so much. Music triggers memories in my head. 2008 seems really bad, but now that I think about it, it was an amazing year. Right now i'm really thinking about it, and now i'm sad it's gone. I was so happy that it was gone so a better year could come, but looking back on it, it wasn't that bad at all. I hope 2009 turns out to just as good, if not better than 2009. I hope there is so many more memories.

I went to bed at 2am yesterday morning, and woke up at 3pm yesterday afternoon. I then went to bed again at 1:30am this morning, and woke up 2 hours later. My sleep schedule is sooo messed up. All i know is that it needs to be fixed by Monday, which I am sure it will be by then. I am looking forward to Beauty and the Beast practice next month. That is going to be fun. I also think that I am going to go to Ocean City next weekend. I really want to take pictures there, even though I dont have a good camera. I guess it's better than nothing. I am going to ask Nicole if she remembers where her polaroid is. I'd love to buy some film for it, and take pictures to upload to flickr or something. That'd be amazing! 

Anyways, I guess this is it for now. I am going to update my blog layout and stuff because it seems so plain and dark. Life isn't like that. I am so glad I am finding optimism and trying to let things just pass by as they go.

I love you and life :)

Thanks for reading this.

On A Second Note...

I guess I am going to type some things on my mind, in list order.

About A Girl by The Academy Is, is such an amazing song. 

It is amazing because it's about time there is a girl hating song.

I hope God tips her in hell for her two stupid recent singles. 

I'm currently watching Room Raiders.

My niece's fish bowl smells like farts and salt.

I can't wait till i'm 18.

I really hope I follow through with getting my lip pierced after my 18 birthday.

I plan on getting my septum in August, but hiding it from my family.

Right now the song has changed to Our Truth by Lacuna Coil.

And now it has changed to Party Foul by Attack Attack.

I am talking to HayleyMarie on MSN.

My stomach hurts.

I want to have a small party for my 18th birthday.

At my party we will play Rockband 2 and Guitar Hero 4.

I also want to record some dancing videos or something for youtube.

I wanted to do that for my last party, but didn't get the chance to :(

I love taking pictures with people.

Uhhhh, I guess that's it.

Mr. Millville

Today I went to the highschool. I had a lot of fun. I'm so glad i'm not in high school anymore.

there is a lot to say, but i dont know how to say it i guess.

Friday

Friday went pretty well, not as I expected it to be, but better. It's very cold in New Jersey. 2 degrees to be exact. A lot of my internet friends are in harsher conditions, but it's pretty cold for us here. I'm glad I didn't go to third friday. Instead, Scott and Tori came over to play Rockband 2 and some other board games. I played Taboo for the first time tonight, and I really really really like it. 

I'm so tired right now. It's almost 6am. I still have troubles sleeping in forever and staying up late. I'll need to fix that.

I'm not sure why I keep updating this thing, i dont have much to say.

Oodles of Noodles

So today, I cooked oodles of noodles on the stove for the first time! To my surprise, the house didn't burn down, and it tasted very good! I am so dreading going back to school in a week, it sucks. I hope I make some new friends though. That would be awesome. Like I was saying before though, I really need to do good this year.

So tomorrow (or technically right now) it's third friday. I think I am going to go. I miss going out, and I haven't really been out lately, and I can't wait to finally go out and stuff. I just hope my parents say yes.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I can't wait till i'm 18.

Strive

I think if I want to get my lip pierced, then I really need to get all A's in my College classes. It's going to be soooo freakin hard though. I never work to my full potential. But I think if I am going to get my lip pierced when I am 18, I cant really use it to my advantage.... This is going to be so hard... and I dont think i can do it...

Sorry.

It's been a while.

Sorry for that. 

Lately I have been playing guitar a LOT. Not actually playing full songs and stuff, but i'm learning. I'm teaching myself. I found some stuff easy enough for me to play, and i'm working on it. I'm really been working on God Called In Sick Today by AFI and Dammit by Blink182. I also worked on a little bit of How You Love Me Now by Hey Monday. 

I think i might edit this blog to try to make it cooler or something. It seems so blah and dark and plain. 

Lately I have been missing my friends. I haven't hungout with them in 2 weeks. I've been hanging out with Nicole, but that is pretty much it. Not that hanging out with her is horrible or anything, I just miss my friends a lot. I really don't get invited anywhere by them. My dad usually says no so much that I guess they have finally decided to not even bother asking anymore. Which sucks, because sometimes it's worth a shot. I hope when i do hangout with them, it will be fun.

SHE'S DRESSED TO KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO WEAR!!

SHE'S DRESSED TO KILLLLLLLLL!

SHE'S DRESSED TO KILL!

- Dressed For Friend Requests by Drop Dead, Gorgeous.

The reason why that is up there, is because they are playing in Vineland, NJ. I really hope that I can go... They are so amazing, and i've been wanting to see them live for so long. I am finally glad that they are coming here. I just really really really really really really really really really really hope that I can go. It would be amazing. Super amazing...

Anyways...

Sometimes, i think all i do is want want want want want want want.

What if I got what i wanted??

Would i be happy? 

Oh well, i'm going to go.

Bye :)

Thing I want to accomplish in 2009.

Get my ears pierced again.

Get my lip done.

Go to Wildwood at least 5 times.

Lose 20 lbs.

Get only A's and B's in College for my final grades.

Make a new good friend.

Go see a concert (At least one)

Go see a local show. (at least one)

Go to some other state besides New Jersey and Pennsylvania. 

Go to Ocean City at least 5 times.

Meet someone from a band in person.

Meet someone from stickam this year.

Learn to play a couple of songs on Guitar.

Write a song.

Play on Hard for Drums on Rockband2/Guitar Hero 4

Learn how to vocally scream.

Get to hangout with friends more.

I might update this later,

but this is it for now.

and i'll cross things off as i go along with them.

Tell me what you think about it :)

I hope someday this will be different. Not the happy things, they can stay. But it's best if the worst things went away.

The "privlages" i am given feel like something offered to a prisoner who has commited the most awful of crimes.

I wouldnt even be surprised if these chains stayed on me even after I am 18.

It always seems like something is holding me back to what i want...

Hold on a second...
What do i really want?

I wish i knew.

I hope things change.
I really hope they do.

Future.

I thought 2009 was going to bring in a nice bright future.

It seems like the past grabbed my ankles and started dragging me back.

I really want to go back and change things.

I can't take this.

I don't want to be a lone at all. For the past five days I have been with friends. I feel impervious to the past haunting me when I am with my friends. My mind gets taken off of things, and I just have fun. Why can't i be like that all the time?

Gah, i dont even know why i update this thing.

nobody reads it,

and even if they do,

they dont say anything.

they can try to make me feel better.

but nothing is working.

i need someone to succeed. 

some rescue me?

god i sound so retarded.