Arms of Sorrow

"The demons of my own design 
This horror must not remain"

That song is playing now, and i guess it made me decide to put it in my blog. I am laying down on the floor right now, I am getting re-addicted to stickam. My ear infection is doing a lot better. Last night it was so horrible, i couldn't sleep at all. Right now it is very itchy, but i dont want to put a q-tip in it because it might hurt the healing process. 

Today I procrastinated an English essay. I chose it to write about "What I Learned From Dropping out of High School" because it had to be an essay like that. 

On another more random side i guess, I keep on telling myself "Everything happens for a reason." But I really wish I knew what my reason was. I feel like I am really missing out on my youth, or like things went backwards for me. I use to go out and be with friends so much, have so many pictures and videos.... But Now, i barely get any. My phone never rings. It goes off occasionally for some txt messages, and that is it. I feel slightly isolated, even though I am always out at college, or sometimes at other places.I want to hangout with friends. I am going to try to get down and mark people off of my list to hangout with. Like for instance, Christina and I always talk about hanging out, but never do. So what did I do?? We are probably going to the football game friday. I guess i'll find out more once it gets closer though. I need to think of more people who want to hangout though. 

Anyways, I guess that is it for now. I didnt get the picture thing going, but at least I got the whole lyric thing working again :D.

Goodnight whoever reads this,

and if anyone does.

Thank you so much for reading it <3333.

Ear infection =/

Another thing to delay my daily picture thing. 

I have a really bad ear infection in my right ear, and it's really affecting me. 

My ear hurts, the canal is throbbing, the side of my cheek hurts, and my jaw is so sore, I can barely open my mouth wide enough to get food in. 

I am also upset that i didnt get a flickr picture uploaded either.

Maybe if I feel better, tomorrow I will.

I have been doing alot of thinking today.

Not about anyone else,

but just me.

I think it's official that I am the only one that updates on this.

I guess this is it till tomorrow.

Saturday.

Well, after getting home from Scott's,

i pretty much just sat around at home, addicted to the internet.

I wish i could get off of it.

That's pretty much all i have to say,

i still need to start the picture thingy...

Mind in the gutter.

I guess i'll just start doing that whole one picture a day thing tomorrow.

Right now I am at Scott's house, and I have nothing to show.

We have watched Jackass, and Viva La Bam.

Some other stuff happened today,

but i dont want to talk about it.

I'm really really really confused.

I guess that's it till tomorrow

2 days 2 late o.o

Sorry that I haven't posted in two days.

I dont even know why i haven't.

Just lack of effort I guess.

So yesterday I tried to film a "Crank Dat Socialvibe" video, hoping that socialvibe would feature it, but some other kid beat me to it, and now i'm probably going to end up deleting it since he got more publicity than i did. I'm really bummed out because of this.

Hmm, what else is bad...

My "b" button my on my laptop is being a bastard lately.

I'll push it, and nothing will happen.

Now i just beat the hell out of it, so maybe it will work better.

Actually, i paused for a second because i just ripped off my "b" button, took this like dirt spec out of it, and now it's fine :D

Right now, i need to clean my room because I am picking up nicole in about an hour from school. I'm not sure what we're going to do, of it's going to be awkward, but i'm sure we'll find something.

My past two days were good, just sayin.

I have a problem where I only write when i'm sad, which i have said before.

I'll try to fix that :)

I also might be adding a picture of the day or something to this blog, like each day i'll take a picture of me and upload it to here or something.

I guess this is it till whenever i feel like writing again :)

My Postive Day

Today it went, pretty positive.

I walked around campus and drove around with a smile, and it really seemed to work.

Things tried to bring me down,

LITERALLY 

I tripped going up the stairs, and i KNOW the people behind me saw it, but i just tried to laugh it off and go "WHOA OOPS!!! LOL" and they didnt seem to care. I guess that's what I get for running up the stairs haha.

The only bad thing about today, was this whole intro to mass media project.

And the fact that i've had to like redo it like 18 times.

It was fun filming the new stuff though :D

I still need to work on it more, so i am going to do that.

IF YOU GOT MONEY, AND YOU KNOW IT, TAKE IT OUT YOUR POCKETS AND SHOW IT.

RIGHT NOW

NO REGRET JONJON

STARTING TONIGHT.

I haven't been happy since May.

I'm so fucking done with it.

Today i was in the car with my brother,

and we were just being retarded

and i couldn't stop laughing.

and i want that again,

so what am I going to do?

start acting like how i was in May.

When the fuck did JONJON, get so shy??

When did he care about what people thought of him?

Why did it bother him so much.

I am going to try so hard to keep this attitude. 

Today, the lyrics of Paramore kept playing in my head.

"Why do we like to hurt so much?"

And why do we?

I dont want to hurt anymore.

I dont want to be sad anymore.

I dont want to be looking at regret.

I am going to try to survive, and not be sad,

and be carefree.

I have so many things i am self conscience,

and i am going to break free of it.

:)

I GOT A BRAND NEW ATTITUDE, AND I'M GOING TO WEAR IT TONIGHT

I WANNA GET IN TROUBLE, AND I WANNA START A FIGHT.

LOL @ PINK LYRICS.

<33333333333333333333333333333333333333333

right now

Right now i am sitting in the college cafeteria,

alot is going on in my mind.

Right now, i am very nervous about my project,

i completed my half, but i'm not sure if it is going to go well with my partner,

and i am really embarassed to show it to the class because it so dumb.

Right now i'm downloading the new itunes for my laptop, because it doesnt have genius, and i need genius. 

Right now I am also thinking of getting candy. 

These lyrics keep replaying in my head,

i'm not even sure if they mean anything significant

"my cameras zoom - it captures all that might embrace it

unsteadied ice creates the wake in deeper places
oh darling I cant bare the thought of separation
the years will pass and we'll forget just how this made us"

That is what keeps replaying.

I feel really different.

Chardenae always reminds me how

"the old jon would have done this, the old jon would have done this"

I dunno,

i have alot of regrets i guess.

Maybe i'll speak of them later.

Scars of the past.

Emo things like that.

hahahahaha.

Lastnight.

Well, lastnight, i learned, not to mix liquor, not matter what, any kind of liquor.

Everclear and Smirnoff aren't the best bet to go with...

I threw up all the everclear three in  the morning, almost crying, wishing i didnt mix drinks.

I was really drunk, and didnt even know it.

If I ever do drink again, i'll need to be more careful.

Today I really didnt do much,

neglected to do a project,

but then finally did it.

I am not happy with it at all,

but it's better than nothing.

I am so nervous to turn in it,

but that's just me, I get very nervous very easily.

Today was pretty much a waste, i dont even have much to write about.

Right now I am trying to learn sign language. 

I guess this is it for now.

Yesterday

Well, right now i am sitting in scott's house watching Mr Woodcock. There is nothing  else on, lolz. 

So anyways, yesterday was fun. I hungout with scott all day, and my dad actually let him drive me to his house, which is huge, because he never lets anyone drive me. It was just down the road to his house, but i hopefully feel like that will be a start. Third Friday was really fun, cold, but fun. I walked around and stuff alot, and i also went to uplink and played ITG. ITG is the fucking shit, haha. I loved it so much.

Its so strange how when things are good, i cant find what to write about or anything. Hopefully it stays like this. I love feeling good.

Welllllll,

So today, was alright.

Nothing super eventful or anything. After college, I had scott come over, and we played videogames, and watched things on TV. I am probably going over there tomorrow, BUT first i have to freakin do chores. Shoveling dirt and stuff, and I really dont want to. Hopefully my dad wont make me do anymore once i do it. After I go to his house, we are going to third friday. I really wish that I could just ride with scott, he is a good driver. My parents are going to make me take my truck and his car seperately. OR him and I could both just take my truck, i'll talk to him about it tomorrow. It's so dumb, for some reason i can't keep my truck overnight at places? So after third friday, i have to drive my truck home, and then have my parents drop me off at scott's house, instead of him just taking me home after dropping it off.

I am so fucking controlled =/

I hate it so much.

i guess that's it for now

funny how i thought this blog was going to be happy, 

and it ended up being bad.

Later that evening.

It's so strange, like,

I can't have a good day.

It either starts off good,

and then ends bad,

or starts off bad, and then ends good,

or will be good morning, bad inbetween, good night

and vice versa.

it's so strange.

that is really all though i guess.

i'm so happy that tomorrow is my last day of class.

9/17/08

Today was alright I guess, or for the most of it. The beginning didnt go so well, but I feel it got better as time progressed. 

I've spent most of today regretting me going to Cumberland County College instead of going to Rowan or some other place, which I would have loved. I like college a lot, but i dont know. There is just something i dont like about it there. I can put my finger on it, but i dont feel like saying it. 

Everything happens for a reason i guess.

I guess i'll know my reason in time.

Also,

isnt it strange how a gesture of a stranger can mean so much to you?

Update

So right now, i am trying EVERYTHING i can think of to try to get this fucking dye out of my hair. I'm so stupid. It wont come out. I got it from red, to light pink. 

I wouldn't mind going to school with the red, cause it's looked cool, but the pink looks so dumb. I am so drained lately.

I am a wreck.

I am a wreck.

I am a wreck.

no title.

It feels that lately, i am not me.

I am what my parents want me to be.

and i fucking hate it.

tonight, dumbass me decided to dye my bangs red.

no big deal i figured, it washes out in two weeks.

HA, nope.

I get screamed at by my sister calling me a faggot, my brother just goes "O_O", my dad says he gives up on life, and my mom just looks like this "-_-" with no fucking emotion. My niece starts chanting how ugly i look, and how i look like a faggot. 

My sister comes up to me and tells me to try to wash it out, because my dad wants to shave my head.

It's not even so much that i cant dye my hair, I cant fucking do anything.

I get to go to school, and then go back home. I cant go anywhere, I can't buy my own clothes, i can't get my own piercings, i cant drive wherever i want, I cant look like how i want to look.

I can't fucking take it.

I hate me right now.

I hate everything about me right now.

I hate it all.

all.

freshman

So right now i just got done doing my freshman seminar homework. I shouldn't have neglected it until 3am the day it is due, but oh well. I learned my lesson and wont do it again. I tried to go to sleep around 10, but i dont even remember me sleeping. I just remember waking up, and it was midnight. I really need to fix my sleep schedule, i need sleep so badly. I have an awful headache right now from staying up. 

Tomorrow i am going to ask my freshman seminar teacher if we are allowed to post things on the bulletin boards at school. All of them are so empty, and I want to put socialvibe flyers, and to write love on her arms flyers. I might even take a picture with him for a socialvibe order. I might save that for my mass media teacher because it kinda goes along with the class. Speaking of that class, i have a video project do for it monday, and i dont want to do it at all. I hate group work. I dont mind the person i'm working it, i just hate group work. I'd rather do things on my own sometime.

I guess that's it for now, i'm going to wait till my laptop is done charging, and then unplug it and go to bed.

This is me.

This is all me,

this is my heart,

being spilled out,

my thoughts inked on a page,

this is me.

I feel that i dont have any in real life friends that i can tell my problems to. When something happens, i have nobody to run to. Nobody to cry on, nothing. I have best friends, but i dont think any of them would care if i tell them stuff. Few people know my deep dark secrets, not even all my best friends know. A little off topic, i shouldn't be writing in this, i have work to do, but i want things off of my chest. 

So today started off bad as i said before, but it progressed as the day went on. The highlight was probably lunch, because we conversed about inside jokes, and things like that. Also, playing cards with Colleen and Ed was fun. 

Tonight i showed my mom the intro video for To Write Love on Her Arms. She really seemed to like the cause i was supporting. If only she knew why I support it, and that i battle depression, she would think i was crazy or something. I'd never tell her, not even my other reasons why i like it. I guess i really like it because it shows that we are not alone, and everyone goes through things. One thing that made me mad is that my mom was like "So it's not supporting to keep cutting, it's showing to love, and not to do that and stuff, right?" and I was like "Yes." and she's like "And it isnt like supporting nasty gay rights and stuff right?"and i said "No, it doesnt". She then walked away. I was so mad. I feel there is nothing wrong with gay people, or bi people, or lesbian people. I think love sees no gender. If i told my mom that though, she'd think i was some psycho and disown me. 

I've lost my will to write now, haha.

I'm getting so distracted.

I'll write more when i feel the need to.

Morning so far

This morning so far has been very boring. I woke up, went to the doctors to find out he wasnt going to be there until later. So i left, and then i had to go to freakin walmart. Dumb, but i looked at new cameras that i want. I am soooooo tired. My phone is dead, and i kind of like it. Things are quiet, and i feel slightly disconnected. That is it for now i guess, i'll probably update more when after i am done this dumb microcomputers class.

Only once? No.

Who said i had to write only once a day? Nobody did. I can't sleep. I feel so tired, i know that i have to be awake in 6 hours to go to the doctors for my heart appointment, but i cant sleep. I just lay there so restlessly. I have a feeling soon i'll walk out my door, look around, blink, and the rush of autumn's cold will surround my body, there will be nothing in me to warm my body, and i will walk around cold and by myself. I didnt do my college work that is due Tuesday, but no big deal, because it's due tuesday and not tomorrow. I will just do it tonight. I have decided that this isn't just going to be a once in a day thing. Whenever i need this vent, and there is nobody to leak to, this will be it. I'm almost about to bleed my feeling in this, the things i talked about hiding in the previous posts. One day it will all come out. I bet when things do come out, i'll want to take them back, but can't. But maybe it will help me live my life? Crawl out of my little cave? 

I'm going to change this to positive things that happened this weekend.

Driving around with Scott was ALOT of fun, even though we only went to Wawa and the bank, it was fun. 

Hmm... what else was fun

Ms Holly City was actually so much fun. It was very very entertaining. More fun then i thought that i'd have.

Hanging out with Ryan, Alysha, and Dylan at Ryan's house was alot of fun to. I showed them Clerks 2, and we also watched the Wedding Singer, and Pee Wee's Big Adventure, hahahah. 

It was so funny, after Pee Wee's Big Adventure, some gay/lez show came on, and it was little play mobile people, that were gay, and it was so strange. By the time it was on, Alysha and Ryan had went to bed, and me and dylan were stuck watching it, we were laughing so fucking hard. 

After I left Ryan's house, i got grounded for two weeks from driving my truck wherever i want, but hopefully my dad will get over that and shorten it, or forget about it. 

I feel that i didnt really make an effort to hangout some people that I really want to, and now i'm going to try harder to do so. I miss seeing ALOT of my friends. You dont realize how many people you are close with because you have to see them everyday in school, or that you are good friends because you see eachother everyday. 

What else is on my mind...

I still haven't started my Intro to Mass Media Journal... I should really start that this week, like tuesday or so. Maybe even tonight?

I want to get a digital camera really badly. I have a video camera, but it doesnt take that good of pictures. I am going to look them up, maybe i'll get one for Christmas? I want at least a good 8MP one, if not better. I also want the new iPod nanos. I have 9gigs of music, and the new nanos hold 16gigs. BUTTTT, itouch also holds 16gigs, and I might get that for the ability to go online and stuff, but then again, i already have a laptop that does that. So i think i'll be getting the nano.

I feel so tired right now, and i can't sleep.

There is so many thoughts dancing through my head right now. 

My own bed doesnt even feel comfortable. I might make it comfortable, haha.

Maybe i'll throw some blankets all over it or something and make it super soft. 

I wish someone could put their arms around me as i sleep tonight. 

I am going to check my facebook now, and other things.

Again, if anybody actually reads this.

you are amazing.

o.o

So, there is so many things going through my head right now. I decided that i am going to close my eyes and just type, and see what comes. I am laying here in my bed, hanging up some posters, and looking at the one that says "LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT". (Now i opened my eyes) I am kind of tired, i dont want to get up early to go to my doctor's appointment, but i have to. I kind of feel like i wasted my parents time, because my heart didnt act up at all while being monitored, but oh well, sometimes that happens, maybe it's good it didnt act up, that means i'm fine :). This weekend did seem to go good, but then turned out really really bad. I got grounded for my truck for two weeks. Just my truck though, i can still go places and drive places, so i dont mind that much i guess. It's funny how, i got this thing to relieve things on my mind, but yet, i cant even write what i want to say sometimes because it would cause drama or things like that, and i'm still keeping things bottled up in my head, and it's not healthy. I'm sorry if this blog does not make sense at times. I just let my mind pour onto this screen, and sometimes my thoughts are all scarmbled and confused, so this is how the blog can be sometimes. Nobody ever comments this anymore, and nobody tells me they read this, but if someone out there does read this, or just stumbles upon it randomly, bless you :)

Falling

Someone catch me?

Friday.

Today went pretty well.

Dethklok has been stuck in my head all day.

Scott got his lisence,

we drove around,

we went to nicole's game,

and then it got canceled, 

so we went to scott's

and then the mall,

and then sonic,

and then the football game,

then i took nicole's friend home,

then i took nicole home

then i went home,

and then finally scott came over

Baby's Got Her Gun

Today was very fun. I did alot of stuff, and got some pictures too. I really dont have much to say though. I hope tomorrow goes really fun too.

Today.

Well, today was pretty well too. I went to college, sat and talked with Janay, and then went to class. I got out of class early, and Janay, My brother, and I went to tacobell for lunch. We then decided to come back to college, and we met up with Colleen. After socializing some, and messing with Janay's boyfriend on AIM, we went and found a machine with a Monster in it, and i bought one. After that Janay left, and Colleen and I took some pictures that i uploaded to my facebook later today. Colleen and I walked to class, and i sat in intro to mass media. She said she was going to call on people that didn't talk much on monday, so i got slightly nervous because i didnt have alot of the questions answered that she said to be ready to discuss. It came out to be that i could discuss some of it, and I was very relieved. That class also today learned that I am 17. Some of the girls went AWWWW when they found out, i guess i fit in? I'm glad about that.

I guess that is all i have to say about today. I am glad tomorrow is my last day of the week. I still need to do some math homework though. 

Oh, and TWLOHA told me to post this on my blog :)

Long Day

So, today seemed like a very long day. It was pretty good though, i dont remember anything terribly bad happening. I stayed at the college until 7PM. I just didnt feel like coming home for some reason. I have this one class, intro to mass media. It seems easy when we talk about it, but her assignments, she says them so fast, and doesnt write them down, that i dont know what the hell we were doing. In Orientation today, he was explaining assignments, but i didnt pay attention at all, i was too sidetracked. I hope that i dont relapse to my lazy ways and to me being distracted easily. That wouldn't be good at all.

Also, tonight, i joined the TWLOHA street team. I am very excited.

That is the banner that they told me to upload so i can complete an order. I only have to put it on two more sites now, but i cant think of what, because stickam wont let me, and i'm not sure if you can post stuff on your ilike profile. Anyways, i guess I am going to go for now. I promise to write tomorrow :)

Number Five With a Bullet

We're gonna die like this you know,

miserable and old.

I decided to try to do blogs like i use to do them. A song quote, and an appropriate picture to go along with it. College life is seeming to go pretty well. I have two letters that are due tomorrow. One of them, i feel i did good on, the other, i feel i did pretty bad on. I am slightly nervous for that class, but i dont remember the name of the person i had to write the letter too, and i sound so dumb in the letter. Tomorrow is also my first day of my freshman orientation class, and i am very nervous to go to that class. I'm mad too because it also takes up my big lunch break, but it's fine because my english teacher said we can eat and drink in that class.

Hmm, what else happened today. I wanted to take pictures with some people today, but i didnt, and i dont know why. I wish i did. Also today, I ordered my To Write Love On Her Arms merchandise. I am so happy and excited. The only thing was, i got 40 dollars today, that was suppose to be for a week of lunch money, and i ended up spending all of it, and i can't beg for more, so my dad is going to pissed off if i beg for money this week. I am worried that he might ask me to use leftover lunch money for next week, and i wont have it.

Wow, i feel like i'm really complaining now, so i'm going to stop.

Remembering Sunday

Today was kind of uneventful. I woke up, me and Scott had Toaster Strudel, and we watched football, which i usually do not do. It was hilarious, one person went to tackle someone, and their helmets collided, and one of them FLEW off. After football, i got out my laptop, and started playing random songs, and scott, my brother, and me were singing them. I felt dumb, I sang all of Beautiful Girls by Sean Kingston. 

Anyways, after that, i got a shower, did some homework, watched the VMAs, and now i am writing this. Tomorrow i have college, and i did my first assignment for intro to microcomputers. I hope i did it right. College assignments can be very confusing, they dont really say what you have to do, they just say to do it, if that makes sense. 

I guess that's all i have to say though. I'll write more tomorrow

Saturday.

So today went alright I guess. I woke up, and my heart monitor was off, meaning that it was done monitoring me. I have to return it monday to the office. There has been so many things bothering me, and stressing me out. Maysie knows all of the reasons, I guess if you really really want to know, you can ask me. Maybe tomorrow i will explain all the reasons. Not sure though. 

See if you're lucky ;)

Friday.

It seems as if nobody updates these anymore or looks at this besides Gary, but i feel like updating for some reason. Right now I am watching southpark, and it's about AIDS. Scott is behind me right now, kind of half asleep. I would have went to his house, but i have a heart monitor on me, and my dad didnt want me to leave the house with it. Hopefully tomorrow once i get it off, he will let me go places. I have to drop off my monitor at the doctor's monday. Then i have an appointment thursday, and then another appointment friday. 

I have alot of homework due Monday, and some due Tuesday. I am kind of just sitting here, not really doing anything. I'm worried about my heart. I'm more worried of what in the world is causing it. I really hope we find out. Some friends are saying it's heart murmur, some friends are saying it's because they know how i worry too much and over analyze things. 

I guess that is all for now.

My heart =/

I'm not sure what is wrong with it, but i just got back from the hospital. It's acting up.

That's all i have to say.

September Never Stays This Cold

This won't mean a thing come tomorrow,
And that's exactly how I'll make it seem.

Today was, interesting. I stayed up all night talking to my new friend Gary. He is only 14, but he is like super intelligent. College today went VERY well. I saw some familiar faces, and met up with some people, so i didnt feel too alone. I still felt dumb that i was the youngest there. I can't wait till next year there, and there will be people that i know well, and we can eat lunch together and things like that. I miss them alot. 

I dont feel like going into depth about my how my classes went, but just know they went well :).

Keep Holding On

"There's nothing you could say 
Nothing you could do 
There's no other way when it comes to the truth."

Today was quite good. I went to this college meeting thing with my mom, and i saw Janay who stuck with me, and i saw TERESA TORRES. I was so happy to see her, it's been almost a year, she attacked me with a hug, haha. Anyways, it made me feel not that nervous at all about going to college. I am a little nervous to see who is going to be in my classes, but other than that, i'm not so worried. It's more of an excitement now. 

I feel very optimistic about how college is going to turn out. I can really see it turning out for the best. The only thought that is going through my head, is if i will make new friends or not. I want to so badly. I still love my best friends and highschool friends, but i'm not going to be able to see them that much, and i need to make friends with people i'm going to be with almost everyday. I am just nervous because i am a year younger than everyone, and usually people become my friend by having a friend that is already friends with me, if that makes sense to you. If you saw me normally, you'd think i was a weirdo and a creeper. I hope i dont come off that way. I am going to be wearing my Norma Jean shirt, and i decided to put my bangs to the right side of my face, instead of the left. Not sure why, but i feel like i needed a change. 

I guess that is pretty much it. I'll let you know how my first day goes. :)

Oh Star

And now I let my dreams consume me,
And tell me what to think.
But hold on,
Hold on.
What am I dreaming?

So today was ALOT of fun. I went to Nicole's house, and we went to this one party, it was a lot of fun. There was a game room, a pool, and food to eat. After that, Nicole and I went to Kyle and Alex's house. I had ALOT of fun there too. After I walked Nicole home, Alex, Kyle, and Me got into my car, and started taking pictures, blasting music, and recording things. I am so tired right now.

Tomorrow is this college thing i have to go to. I'm not sure what it's about, but my dad said i HAD to go, or he'd ground me if i didnt. He got VERY angry when i skipped orientation because i was nervous about going by myself. I am going to make my mom come with me, because i am nervous to go by myself again. It's so strange to hear my friends say "See you at school Wednesday!" to my other friends, and all my friend's talking about their senior schedules. I didnt think it would phase me at all, but it made me frown. I dont regret dropping out, it was the best decision in my life, but that doesnt mean i'm not going to miss the people that i cared about in highschool. There is so many people who have my heart as a friend in that school, and i miss them dearly. I looked through my old computer today, and i saw old pictures and songs from 10th grade. All of the memories of a year raced through my head in 5 seconds and almost exited my body with a tear. I dont miss highschool, but i really miss the time period, and things that went on outside of highschool. Spending the night at friend's houses, sneaking out, playing guitar hero, playing ddr, going to third friday. Why does it have to be, that we dont know what we've got till it's gone? I wish i knew what i had. I was depressed throughout those years, and i never knew how good it was. I miss it so much. I would do anything to go back and relive those days. Not change them, but relive them, and smile with happiness on my face, instead of hiding hair over my face which i do now. 

Wow. This is longer than i thought it was going to be. I'll be surprised if anyone reads the whole thing, but if someone does, god bless you for caring :)