This is me.

This is all me,

this is my heart,

being spilled out,

my thoughts inked on a page,

this is me.

I feel that i dont have any in real life friends that i can tell my problems to. When something happens, i have nobody to run to. Nobody to cry on, nothing. I have best friends, but i dont think any of them would care if i tell them stuff. Few people know my deep dark secrets, not even all my best friends know. A little off topic, i shouldn't be writing in this, i have work to do, but i want things off of my chest. 

So today started off bad as i said before, but it progressed as the day went on. The highlight was probably lunch, because we conversed about inside jokes, and things like that. Also, playing cards with Colleen and Ed was fun. 

Tonight i showed my mom the intro video for To Write Love on Her Arms. She really seemed to like the cause i was supporting. If only she knew why I support it, and that i battle depression, she would think i was crazy or something. I'd never tell her, not even my other reasons why i like it. I guess i really like it because it shows that we are not alone, and everyone goes through things. One thing that made me mad is that my mom was like "So it's not supporting to keep cutting, it's showing to love, and not to do that and stuff, right?" and I was like "Yes." and she's like "And it isnt like supporting nasty gay rights and stuff right?"and i said "No, it doesnt". She then walked away. I was so mad. I feel there is nothing wrong with gay people, or bi people, or lesbian people. I think love sees no gender. If i told my mom that though, she'd think i was some psycho and disown me. 

I've lost my will to write now, haha.

I'm getting so distracted.

I'll write more when i feel the need to.

Morning so far

This morning so far has been very boring. I woke up, went to the doctors to find out he wasnt going to be there until later. So i left, and then i had to go to freakin walmart. Dumb, but i looked at new cameras that i want. I am soooooo tired. My phone is dead, and i kind of like it. Things are quiet, and i feel slightly disconnected. That is it for now i guess, i'll probably update more when after i am done this dumb microcomputers class.

Only once? No.

Who said i had to write only once a day? Nobody did. I can't sleep. I feel so tired, i know that i have to be awake in 6 hours to go to the doctors for my heart appointment, but i cant sleep. I just lay there so restlessly. I have a feeling soon i'll walk out my door, look around, blink, and the rush of autumn's cold will surround my body, there will be nothing in me to warm my body, and i will walk around cold and by myself. I didnt do my college work that is due Tuesday, but no big deal, because it's due tuesday and not tomorrow. I will just do it tonight. I have decided that this isn't just going to be a once in a day thing. Whenever i need this vent, and there is nobody to leak to, this will be it. I'm almost about to bleed my feeling in this, the things i talked about hiding in the previous posts. One day it will all come out. I bet when things do come out, i'll want to take them back, but can't. But maybe it will help me live my life? Crawl out of my little cave? 

I'm going to change this to positive things that happened this weekend.

Driving around with Scott was ALOT of fun, even though we only went to Wawa and the bank, it was fun. 

Hmm... what else was fun

Ms Holly City was actually so much fun. It was very very entertaining. More fun then i thought that i'd have.

Hanging out with Ryan, Alysha, and Dylan at Ryan's house was alot of fun to. I showed them Clerks 2, and we also watched the Wedding Singer, and Pee Wee's Big Adventure, hahahah. 

It was so funny, after Pee Wee's Big Adventure, some gay/lez show came on, and it was little play mobile people, that were gay, and it was so strange. By the time it was on, Alysha and Ryan had went to bed, and me and dylan were stuck watching it, we were laughing so fucking hard. 

After I left Ryan's house, i got grounded for two weeks from driving my truck wherever i want, but hopefully my dad will get over that and shorten it, or forget about it. 

I feel that i didnt really make an effort to hangout some people that I really want to, and now i'm going to try harder to do so. I miss seeing ALOT of my friends. You dont realize how many people you are close with because you have to see them everyday in school, or that you are good friends because you see eachother everyday. 

What else is on my mind...

I still haven't started my Intro to Mass Media Journal... I should really start that this week, like tuesday or so. Maybe even tonight?

I want to get a digital camera really badly. I have a video camera, but it doesnt take that good of pictures. I am going to look them up, maybe i'll get one for Christmas? I want at least a good 8MP one, if not better. I also want the new iPod nanos. I have 9gigs of music, and the new nanos hold 16gigs. BUTTTT, itouch also holds 16gigs, and I might get that for the ability to go online and stuff, but then again, i already have a laptop that does that. So i think i'll be getting the nano.

I feel so tired right now, and i can't sleep.

There is so many thoughts dancing through my head right now. 

My own bed doesnt even feel comfortable. I might make it comfortable, haha.

Maybe i'll throw some blankets all over it or something and make it super soft. 

I wish someone could put their arms around me as i sleep tonight. 

I am going to check my facebook now, and other things.

Again, if anybody actually reads this.

you are amazing.

o.o

So, there is so many things going through my head right now. I decided that i am going to close my eyes and just type, and see what comes. I am laying here in my bed, hanging up some posters, and looking at the one that says "LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT". (Now i opened my eyes) I am kind of tired, i dont want to get up early to go to my doctor's appointment, but i have to. I kind of feel like i wasted my parents time, because my heart didnt act up at all while being monitored, but oh well, sometimes that happens, maybe it's good it didnt act up, that means i'm fine :). This weekend did seem to go good, but then turned out really really bad. I got grounded for my truck for two weeks. Just my truck though, i can still go places and drive places, so i dont mind that much i guess. It's funny how, i got this thing to relieve things on my mind, but yet, i cant even write what i want to say sometimes because it would cause drama or things like that, and i'm still keeping things bottled up in my head, and it's not healthy. I'm sorry if this blog does not make sense at times. I just let my mind pour onto this screen, and sometimes my thoughts are all scarmbled and confused, so this is how the blog can be sometimes. Nobody ever comments this anymore, and nobody tells me they read this, but if someone out there does read this, or just stumbles upon it randomly, bless you :)