So i never go on this anymore...
I do have a tumblr though =D
jonjondirector.tumblr.com is what i think it is. I really need to go through this sometime though and look at all these memories.
actually, i think i am going to log in now and read them
then probably delete the blogger chapter in my life.

It's been almost a year since i've had this...

...and I barely write in it anymore at all.

Not too many things are different.

More freedoms, well... slightly more freedoms.

i just felt like i spilled too much info on this

sometimes i can let my heart flow like a river for all to see,

but then once i realize my feelings are exposed, i freak out and try to like build a dam over the river.

Maybe from now on... i'll just let a little stream or brook of my emotions seep through this dam that i have made.

We will see about it ;)

Three things i've always wanted...

I've finally got...

And sadly, I want more.

I'm getting so addicted.

It's not drugs or anything, dont worry.

It's body modification.

In a three course period,

i have pierced my ears, my septum, and got a tattoo.

and it feels so great.

:)

So yesterday basically was my 18th birthday...

and it was pretty good.

It feels so good to be 18,

seriously.

My mom is like "nothing is different"

but i feel different...

it's good.

:)

This is the last day of school.

I feel like I did really bad on my history final... and i'm pretty worried about it.

I'm so excited for tomorrow though, it is my birthday!

I also miss my cellphone...

It's dead...

Like... not coming back dead...

Kinda.

I'm getting a new one hopefully today.

And maybe even going swimming!

...

I'm so bored right now.

=/

If you were my true friend, you would see the excitement when I tell you the news,

and you would be happy for me.

One friend did that so far.

I know he probably doesn't approve of it at all,

but he's happy that i'm happy.

that's all i'm asking for.

Light in this tunnel?

I'm pretty sure there is some light there.

My week seems so busy...

Monday: Psychology Final, classes, Math test, Scene Night

Tuesday: Nothing, but have to do a 4 paged essay for as an english final (Which i am seriously dreading, i JUST turned in a 4 paged paper last week...) Possibly baking stuff for a bakesale?

Wednesday: Bakesale, History Final, Last english class, Math Final Exam, the done with school

Thursday: BIRTHDAY. Have to go the bank, possibly some other stuff

Friday: Might be doing something pretty amazing :D

Saturday: Getting my lisence, Possibly doing something pretty amazing again, and babysitting.

New York City in 16 days! (from today)

Auditions for Bye Bye Birdie in 8 days (closer than i thought... o.o)

Yeah, so things are getting kind of busy for me,

which i am glad because I am so tired of a slow paced life.

Hopefully things slow down a tiny bit Sunday, because this week is going to be pretty packed.

Well, i'm going to go study for my psychology exam...

see ya :)

Interpreting Dreams

It's always so interesting to me...

I had a really scary one.

So realistic that I thought i was going to be in so much trouble.

I'm just going to interpret the things that i remember the most in the dream.

Well, actually, the first dream i got a job working at like this little pretzel stand place, but it was more of like you could sit down and eat at the pretzel stand.

To dream that you are looking for a job, suggests that you are feeling unfulfilled and frustrated in your current phase of your life.

That makes perfect sense to me, i'm VERY frustrated in the current phase of my life.

Here is the next dream...

Basically, I was in my old house,

I got really drunk,

crashed into my best friend's car

blacked out,

got in a whole bunch of trouble.

To dream that you are in a car crash, indicates that your beliefs, lifestyle, or goals are clashing with another's. It may also represent a shocking situation or painful experience.

To dream that you are drunk, suggests that you are acting careless and insensible. You are losing control of your life and losing a grip on reality. Perhaps you are trying to escape from a waking situation.

To dream that there is a blackout, indicates your lack of insight and perspective on a situation. You may be feeling frustrated or experiencing failure in some work that you are attempting.

After reading that... It kind of makes sense...

Actually, a lot of sense.

I feel like me and my friend's lifestyle's are starting to crash... 

I don't blame him at all, he hangs out with his girlfriend a lot,

but i was expecting us to hangout more I guess.

To dream that i'm drunk, i'm DEFINITELY NOT ACTING CARELESS OR INSENSIBLE. 

I honestly feel like i'm losing control of my life.

There is so much going on, and I can't control it, and it's really bothering me that I can't.

I don't have a control problem, but i can't control ANYTHING happening right now, and it's really getting to me.

The blackout, makes perfect sense. I blacked out after the accident in my dream. As I said above, i'm frustrated because I can't control anything going on, and i'm failing at it. So that is why there was a blackout.

That's all I really have to say I guess.

I'm not even safe in my dreams anymore.

I feel like i'm holding back,

I really want to write on here more, 

but everytime i write what i want to say,

i just X out of it or erase it...

4am Almost...

Still a lot of stress going on, but just saying that I am still alive and fighting to relieve it. I can't sleep. Not even sure why, my mind is so tired but my body is still awake.

I'm feeling pretty lonely. A lot lately. We will need to talk about this, when i am actually on the internet to blog, and not just my phone.

Worrying too much...

That's what i am doing right now. Worrying WAYYYYY too much. I need to update this when i get home.

200th post.

I should have a lot more posts than that. 

I really wish I wrote in this thing more.

If you don't live around me,

the weather in New Jersey has been cold and wet for almost a week. The week before though, we had 90 degree temperatures, and it felt like spring was definitely here. Now it's a lot colder, in the 50s and 60s, and I seriously can't take it. I don't know what it is about cold weather, but it really depresses me. I was so happy that the warmth was coming, dancing around my house, taking pictures outside with the blue sky as my background... and now there is only gray. I have to wear a hoodie to keep warm in MAY. MAY! Usually in May it's so hot and humid outside. Not this year. My birthday is in 9 days from today. I'm really nervous about it. 

If you remember those posts from forever ago... Remember how I was excited to turn 18? The excited is gone. No, the excitement is DEAD. It really can't come back either.

I'm stressing out over so many things. Right now, mainly school. I have so many papers that are due tomorrow and next week that I seriously c an't take it. I'm going nuts!

Then there is prom and girlfriend troubles.

Can't talk about that much on here even though i'd like to.

What else is there?

What's going on for this summer? 

Not sure.

Probably Bye Bye Birdie, but i'm starting to have my doubts on things other than that.

I honestly can't feel like I have anything to look forward to.

I'm going to New York MAy 27th, ...but I even have my doubts about that.

My optimism is gone.

It's not dead though,

i'm sure it can come back.

Also,

how do I get rid of this emptiness feeling inside of me?

Gah, sorry for the F bomb.

I was pretty upset...

turns out that my english essay isn't due till wednesday, so i can calm down a little bit.

i need to stop being so hard on myself.

So right now i'm pretty worried...

Even though they are midterm grades from almost half of the semester ago... The grades were horrible... I'm seriously scared for my grades. My dad is going to kill me. 

Grades fucking suck.

I'm serious. 

It's all people worry about,

and it's all that my dad fucking cares about.

If I have good grades, things will be alright.

But i'm not that smart,

and I don't push myself that hard enough.

Grades seriously mean EVERYTHING to EVERYONE...

and it's horrible...

I'm horrible.

...

Stuck in America.

Stuck in America by Sugarcult is the song I am currently listening to. 

Which is nothing relevant to what I am going to talk about ...i think.

So I had the talk again about me turning 18 with my dad. 

He confuses the HELL out of me!

One minute I get this idea that Summer is going to be super amazing,

and then the next minute, i feel like my personal hell is going to continue until I die.

This talk was one of the talks where it felt like hell was going to continue.

I'll just leave it at that I guess.

There is SO MUCH i could type right now about this summer,

but I don't want to offend people.

I really wish i could say it.

I don't even know what to do.

Yeah,

do you know what to do?

READING? Are YOU KIDDING ME?

Yes, that is what I have been doing. 

I have been reading.

Pretty amazing actually.

I finished Twilight last week, and i'm on the last chapter of New Moon (which i will probably finish within the hour). I recently have decided to start saving money again, since I am low on cash, and I have some events coming up. I have the New York trip which i CANNOT wait for! It's seriously going to be amazing. 26 more days till that! Or maybe even 25, I don't even know! I'll say twenty five for now. TWLOHA just released some new clothing to their line, and I really love that organization... I think once I get some money in my hands, i'll buy their new shirt, and even try to buy the book. It's $22 dollars though... A little much... But I bet it's pretty amazing.

I really have been wanting to make a video, but I haven't gotten the chance to, so I think i might do that soon. 

Gah, i'm just babbling.

I'll seriously try to update more.

=(

I really wish i had my voice back....

So even though there is nothing I can do about...

but I really can't stand it.

Right now, I am at intermission for Beauty and the Beast... and sadly... I have only sang my parts... My voice is so thrashed, and it happens to be the night where everything is going well, except for fucking me. IT'S HORRIBLE AND SO UNFAIR. 3 of my BEST friends are here tonight, and i can't even sing for them.

People have been coming up to me that know me (during other shows) and said that they could really hear me, I even have a microphone for Christ's sake so I can be heard... It really frustrates me. It makes me so mad.

I'm just ranting on, but i'm so mad...

This always happens to me...

It's so ironic,

and i'm having fun dancing on stage, but i love singing too.

I feel like I am really disappointing my friends...

and i'm extremely disappointing myself.

Sorry you have to read this pityness...

Right Now,

Right now I am sitting down in a dressing room during a rehearsal. 

I don't even know what to say.

This is the second show, and my voice is pretty messed up. We just sang Belle, and i'm a little panicky because my throat started to feel very scratchy. 

I'm really worried about stuff...

a lot of stuff...

just mainly school stuff...

=/

I don't even know what to say.

I wish someone could like... I don't know.

Be with me and make me happy no matter what.

And like, no matter i'll just forget the world.

That thing doesn't exist though.

Maybe it does, but i don't know.